Man I feel like poo

This A/C stuff really takes it out of ya! I get my treatment on Thursday. Friday I get a neulasta shot (which is a shot to make my bone marrow produce more cells to keep my blood counts up). And Saturday through Monday I just want to lay in bed and forget those days. They really are that bad.

My body aches just to have a small touch. I feel like I have the worst flu ever. Totes sucks. Speaking of blood counts, my counts are on a roller coaster. The week of my first chemo, my platelets were at 450, White blood counts were at 11.1. The week after it was 350 and 3.1 respectively. Quite a drop. Especially since my platelets have not made it below the high normal range of 400 since they started taking my blood. And they've taken enough blood from me to keep a sparkly vampire happy for quite some time.

But ya know what else?! It is totes worth it. Because my tumor has shrank tremendously. It is still there. As is the lump under my arm. But they are soo soo soo much smaller! And that makes all the pain and ickyness worth it.

I am looking forward to my next treatment because it will be #3. Out of 4!! And we should start discussing surgery. Which at one point I had resigned myself to a bilateral mastectomy. But I am still so afraid of which decision to make still. It is so hard to make that decision. It was way easier naming my kids.  Why are boobs so hard to let go of? Aside from them being attached and all. Its hard to let go of the idea of never breastfeeding again. Never being "normal." The fear of looking like a 12 yr old prepubescent boy for the rest of your life. Needing surgery to look like a woman. Not having nipples. That one is really hard to grasp.  I always said if I ever got BC, I would just chop em off and move on. I never thought I would have to actually make that decision. Or at least have 20 yrs to make it. I never imagined being in my 20s and having to make such a big choice. All my choices in life had been easy, which college to go to, whom to marry, to marry even, when to have babies, what to name my sweet boys, all easy choices. Compared to what I am faced with now. Stupid boobs.